Do You Believe in the Tooth Fairy? (2024)

Dear Parents and Caregivers,

I’ve always pictured tip-toeing into my children’s room and leaving a quarter under their pillow as I play the “tooth fairy”. Here’s the thing…Joshua has his very first loose tooth and I find myself wondering if I will get the chance. The wondering comes from a pause; a pause I’m committed to even when I don’t really want to slow down.

And now that I’ve paused I’m full of thoughts, ideas and, most of all, questions. It’s not so much a question of whether or not to be the tooth fairy, it’s more like why the tooth fairy in the first place? Why this tradition? What purpose did it serve? What purpose does it serve still? And, of course, the guiding question - how can we celebrate this phase of childhood and respond to this transition with Joshua, not to him and not for him.

Sarah

Any first, is an opportunity: a first impression, a first date, a first kiss. A first naturally shifts the world around you.

A first First is the first time something happens in your family, usually with the oldest child, but not always because it is the first time you make a decision you will likely make again in the future. A first FIRST decides so very much of what we invite into our home and what we choose to leave out in this wild world we live in. Each is one BIG opportunity we have as parents to intentionally bring a decision to life. It starts with “How might we handle ___________?” and the bigger question “WHY?”

This week we had two firsts, one of them a first First. Fitting that the two should fall during February which is National Children’s Dental Health Month. All in one week, Joshua discovered his first loose tooth and Leif underwent a scheduled tooth extraction.

Pause…

For me, the easier pause was preparing Leif for the extraction. We knew it was coming and had, on some level, been preparing for it each time (and there have been many) he’s hit, knocked or literally fallen on his front tooth. The harder pause was deciding how we would navigate loose teeth and how we would celebrate and support this phase of growing up.

Why PAUSE? Three reasons.

All in all, this pause is all about how we can parent through losing teeth - building relationship through trust; and building resilience by doing this with them as opposed to to them or for them and, brain building as we see the opportunity for some major learning (hello science!). It’s about much more than the tooth fairy.

*A Note on the Default:

As parents, when it comes to real-life individuals, we are diligent about who we let into our homes. What about magical guests? Likely we default to what we know, what we’re familiar with either from our own childhood or from popular culture. This is especially true when it comes to customs and traditions central to modern day life. Unpopular opinion: We don’t have to invite anyone or anything into our home in a way that does not fit our approach to parenting.

In the case of the tooth fairy? Do we invite her into our home? In what capacity? What our children may learn will depend largely on what we decide. They may benefit from this cute little messenger; they may not.

If she’s already a welcome guest - she’s likely there to stay! Don’t fight it, instead pause to decide if there’s any part of the process you want to adjust.

This is one of the most challenging parts of parenting for me personally: continuing traditions; abandoning them or finding some middle ground by adjusting them by adding to them or reshaping them as we make them our own.

The Tooth Fairy

One thing was certain - regardless of whether or not we were going to invite the tooth fairy into our home, we’d have a lot of questions to answer. So I got busy learning about the tooth fairy - where s/he’s from, what s/he does, etc.

Turns out, the tooth fairy hails from Scandinavia - which is extra fun for our family because of our Norwegian roots. Most sources trace the tooth fairy back to Norse mythology and a mouse-like creature called “Tand-fe” who would leave a gift in exchange for the 1st tooth a child lost. This legend likely began to ease the fears and superstitions around losing baby teeth that were common around the 10th Century.

Fast Forward 1000 years. In 1908 Lillian Brown wrote an article in the Chicago Tribune which essentially spring boarded the version of the tooth fairy we know today. It was in response to formal dental care which was quite a new practice. The world of medicine was shifting and people were making connections between dental health and infection. So if your child had an injured or loose tooth the advice was to get it pulled sooner rather than later. The article was focused on persuading children. The big idea for parents was persuade them to have their loose teeth pulled by promising that the “tooth fairy” would leave 5 cents under their pillow for each baby tooth.

Nowadays, it is common for the tooth fairy to leave money or a gift of some sort in exchange for a tooth. Many dental practices have even raised the bar by linking the tradition with dental hygiene. In many homes, children are taught that the tooth fairy only pays (or pays more) for clean, healthy teeth - hence motivation to brush, floss, etc.

Here’s the thing. As I paused I wondered, do we need all of this? In my experience sometimes adults make this whole parenting thing harder than it needs to be (myself definitely included). Children are far more fascinated by the realness of life than the made-up make believe that we sometimes invent to motivate behavior at best and manipulate it at worst.

What’s missing, for me, is information and knowledge to empower children through change.

Maybe empowerment is the next evolution of shedding baby teeth.

The Tooth Fairy is so ingrained in our culture that it’s almost incomprehensible not to participate in this ritual. In fact, when you google “tooth fairy alternatives” you find a whole lot of ideas around what to leave under the pillow. What you don’t find are other ways of celebrating your child’s growing up that leave the tooth fairy out entirely. Having struck out on Google, I thought, surely if anyone has ideas I’ll find them at a pediatric dental office. So when Leif went in for to get his tooth pulled, I asked if they knew of any alternative ideas. Ideas came pouring out. But they were all ideas on how to make the tooth fairy more believable, like having your child color a magical door you can tape to the wall in their room so she can easily get in and out, and numerous explanations as to how she travels and what she does with the teeth. This figure is so embedded in our culture that it’s almost like our brains cannot work around it.

While I didn’t yet know if we would invite this tradition into our home, one thing was for certain, I wanted to focus more on the process of growing up than on a magical figure. And the best way I know to do this is ask myself, how could we do this “with L.O.V.E.”?

What do I mean when I say “with L.O.V.E.”?

This may sound familiar…

The with is where the connection lives. People, regardless of age, are happiest when we do things with them, rather than to or for them. The tricky thing about parenting young children is that they are growing at an incredibly rapid pace and with quickly becomes to or for if we don’t grow with them.

The with is also literal. When we literally do things with our children we are creating opportunities for learning.

L.O.V.E. in this sense is an acronym that I use to remind myself children are always learning. Always.

Learning

Opportunities

Valued

Everyday

When it comes to losing baby teeth - here are a few things we can do to make the most of these fleeting moments, to acknowledge the milestone, to see opportunities to provide a nurturing space during a transition. To us, losing teeth is no big deal. As adults, we know this is part of growing up, that it is temporary and that permanent teeth will soon grow in. To a child, losing teeth can be exciting, scary or both at the same time. How can we do this with them, as opposed to to them or for them? Because when we do so we are strengthening our relationship with them.

Humans tend to learn the most when they are interested in the topic. This is also how children fall in love with learning, building the pathways for lifelong yearning to learn. Their curiosity is a window for us to open or close. When we open it, we learn deeply with them, researching their questions and learning alongside them.

The reality is this - children are asking - are we answering?

In my experience as a kindergarten teacher, and now a mom, children are curious about what is happening to their bodies. They are asking why. They want to know. Will we hand them an empty distraction “So the tooth fairy can come to visit.” or will we find the answers together? They can handle it. They are cognitively ready for some real learning here.

For example:

• Did you know that the roots of baby teeth dissolve as the adult teeth make their way to replace them? Neither did I!

*I plan on expanding upon these in the future - if you have a kiddo with a loose tooth or are currently navigating this stretch of childhood- leave a comment or send me a message and I’ll happily send your way sooner!

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Will we or won’t we?

The jury is still out…will we, won’t we? That’s not the point - the point is that whichever decision we make we’re making it with eyes wide open.

What I do know is this.

When he loses his first tooth, we will take our time. We will sit on the couch and we will tell him about the time he got his first tooth -this very tooth - because in my desire to do life with our children, I also learned that our teeth usually fall out in the same order that they came in. We will show him pictures of himself at 4 months old and ask him what he remembers. We will ask him how it feels, we will share in his experience as he sticks his tongue through a space that didn’t used to be there. A space I’m not ready for because…

He will never look the same again. As he sheds his baby teeth, making room for the teeth he’ll wear the rest of his life, my little boy will never look the same again. For the time being, I will soak up his smile, take extra pictures and memorize the many expressions he shares, knowing they’ll soon be replaced.